Some people are convinced that the nomination process for the DNC is unfair. In particular, Sanders’ supporters claim the system is “rigged.” So, what would have made the nomination process more “fair,” and in particular, more fair for an outsider candidate like Bernie? One commenter the other day, who shall remain nameless, offered the following helpful ideas, which I paraphrase loosely below:
When Bernie entered the primary, the party and its members had the chance to confess their sins and make amends. They blew it.
Well, jeez, he gave us our chance and we blew. So, I guess the only question left is how could we have done better?
Well, some of the biggest complaints have centered on superdelegates, open primaries, and debates. So, I have a few modest proposals to address all of these. Now, I know not everyone will like these suggestions, some might even say I’m being a smartass. But, I say they just need to be taken in the light-hearted spirit with which they are being offered ;)
1. All superdelegates suck and we hate them...unless they are voting for us. In Bernie’s case, only revolutionary change will do, so all superdelegates should obviously have been preemptively abolished, just in case they might have thought about not voting for Bernie. Bernie would even personally abolish himself as a superdelegate from Vermont, unless he decided he was not going to be unfair to himself and rig the systems against himself. In that case, he would be allowed to stay.
2. Open Primaries are always great, except when they suck. Again, in Bernie’s case, every state really should have known that it needed to preemptively change whatever rules or laws might be necessary allow all people to vote in the Democratic primary, regardless of party. Anyone who wanted to try their hand at jiggering with the Democratic party nomination should have been sent a hand written invitation card, welcoming them to please come and change things however they wished. This is good, because outsiders always know best. The last thing you want to do is to let things be run by the corrupt establishment bastards who clearly make up 100% of party. Other parties, of course, would not have to open up their primaries, but by performing this act of unilateral disarmament, it is guaranteed to cause all others to bow to your superior wisdom, especially if it is delivered in a preachy, self-righteous way by zealots who have never been afflicted with the burden of imagining that their ideas may not be 100% correct. Also, it is guaranteed to help Bernie, because obviously he is way cool, and no one in the Democratic Party is. So, letting non-Democrats run everything is the only way you losers are ever going to experience what it’s like to be cool like B-San.
3. Damn you, Debbie! Debbie Wasserman Schultz, or DWS for short. Anyway you say it, it’s a swear word all onto itself. With 20/20 hindsight and our now improved understanding of importance of making sure this election was fair for Bernie, DWS would be immediately sent to a Democratic Socialist Re-Education Camp where she could atone for the sins of not commanding both campaigns to immediately agree to however many or few debates Bernie wanted at any particular moment. Daily debates should have be held at first, or at least until someone dared to point that Bernie actually wasn’t always such a great debater and seemed to be doing worse with more debates instead of better. In that case, all future debates would be immediately cancelled and apology letters would be sent to anyone who might have wrongly perceived him as not having won any of the debates.
4. Additional rules will be added as necessary. I know this is just a start and some people probably think I’m being a giant smart ass or being too mean to Bernie. But, you know, I really do do it in the spirit of love and because some people take themselves way too serious. So, we all need a little light-hearted satire sometimes.
Please also be aware, I don’t hate Bernie. I actually really like him (especially the old Bernie I used to listen to on the radio every week with Thom Hartmann). But, somehow, I hardly ever see people poking fun at and lampooning the overly serious, sometimes slightly paranoid tone coming from the Sander’s camp lately. That seems also taboo. Don’t dare make fun of Bernie. But, it really should not be taboo. We can make fun of people without hating them or getting immediate hate mail from all their ardent supporters.
And, yes, I will consider a similar diary about Hillary’s flaws and weaknesses.