Last night, Bill Maher delivered a final New Rule blasting the Democratic partisans on both sides who say they’ll refuse to vote for the other candidate, should that person win the primary, because somehow letting Trump win is…. I don’t even know.
Full transcript and video below the fold.
And finally, New Rule: Batman and Superman have to explain something to me. Why are you two fighting? You’re supposed to work together. I saw it on my footie pajamas. (audience applause) It’s unsettling to see two beloved mythical figures go at it. It’s like watching Jesus beat up a unicorn. (nervous audience laughter and applause)
And I think the same thing when I see Democrats these days. You two also need to work together so you can stop the greatest supervillain of all time — Orange Crush.
(audience cheering and applause)
Now it was an exciting week for us left-leaners, because with the win in Michigan, the Sanders campaign (audience cheering) — which I have been saying is offering America a new kind of deal — has shown that Americans are still considering that deal. But I feel I should say something about a growing movement called “Bernie or Bust”, where Bernie supporters pledge that if it’s Hillary, they’ll stay home or vote for the Green Party. On their website, they say they’re revolting against the plutocracy. No, actually, you’ll be helping elect a plutocrat who’s revolting.
(audience applause)
Elizabeth Warren recently disappointed Bernie supporters by staying neutral in the primary fight, no endorsement for either one. So thousands of Sanders fans hijacked her Facebook page and said things like I’m “disgusted by you”. “Why not just throw the whole country under the bus?” It must be “Karl Rove’s money”.
And those were the early comments before the Red Bull kicked in. Really? Elizabeth Warren is the enemy now? She’s helped more millennials than Adderall! (audience laughter and applause)
And the Hillary camp does it too. In a race where no Republican candidate supports a woman’s right to choose, and one of them calls women “bimbos” and “pigs”, you know who the real sexist is? Bernie. Bill Clinton accused his supporters of online sexism, which is pretty rich coming from a guy who’s been known to grab your tits in person. (audience laughter)
So while Bernie fans attack Hillary for not being liberal enough, and Hillary fans attack Bernie for not being feminist enough, Black Lives Matter is attacking them both for not being black enough. Even though they both have a 100% voter rating from the NAACP. As opposed to Trump, who gets 5 stars from the KKK. (audience applause)
There are real enemies out there. Have you seen a Republican debate? The zombies are in the mall. (audience cheering and applause) I’m telling you, this is going to be the death of liberals, this nit-picky intramural attacking of friends for insufficient purity. Compulsively cleaning up a little corner of the room that’s already quite clean — while there are giant piles of shit everywhere else! (wild audience cheering and applause)
Last year, social justice warriors swarmed on Matt Damon for saying gay actors should not be defined by their sexuality. Which was interpreted as him saying, gay actors should stay in the closet. The Daily Beast screamed “Shut Up, Matt Damon”. Washington Post: He’s got “Damonsplaining to do”. And Vox said, “Matt Damon isn’t a terrible person, he’s just ignorant”. Right, the real obstacle to gays achieving equality is Matt Damon. In fact, he’s such a homophobe, he fucked Liberace!
(audience laughter and applause)
Last year, Dolce and Gabbana got their gay tit caught in the liberal wringer (audience laughter) when they expressed one conservative view on artificial insemination. And this week, they fucked up again. But luckily, the brave virtual vigilantes of the Internet were there to condemn these two evil old queens for — get this crime — selling a shoe that they’re calling a slave sandal. (gasp!)
But look at it, it’s a happy slave sandal. (audience laughter) Now clearly they should update the name and call it an intern sandal.
(audience cheering and applause)
But in this month, when we found out that 20% of Trump voters believe that the end of slavery itself was a bad idea, this is what motivates you to write a scathing blog post, a thoughtlessly named shoe??
Well, hold on to your hats, guys, because right now, I’m wearing… black loafers! AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!