John "Boo-hoo" Boehner, Weeper of the House
Friends,
Neighbors,
Kossacks,
Lend me your ears...and eyes...and keyboards. Actually, just read this, for I bring you tidings of great weepage.
The news of John Boehner--his resignation as Speaker and stepping down from his seat in Congress--has now washed over the D.C. Beltway like a tearful orange tsunami of Republican quitterism, and one thing above all else has become tragically clear: There will soon be a whole lot less boner jokes in Congress...and the world will be a poorer place for it. Much poorer, indeed!
So, this can mean only one thing, dear Kossacks. We have scarcely a month left to compile the Best of Boehner jokes. Now, we could let this moment shrivel away limply, like a pathetic little failure, or a sad little eruption of humorless ejecta, spilled and hidden in shame. But, damn it, Kossacks, that's not the kind of people we are! Double damn it, in fact!
I say, we can erect a monument of Boehner jokes and double entendres that can stand tall and wag in the face of prudishness for generations to come. Join me below the great Orange Hanky of Boehner Tears, and let the Boehnering begin!
Ah, where to start? Johnny, we hardly knew ye!
You popped up awkwardly and unexpectedly after a wave of teabaggery. I guess all that teabagging should have been a clue to us that a Boehner was about to burst onto the scene. Over-bronzed, like a 70's porn star, you had the ability to erupt into tears in mere seconds, seemingly for no reason, but lacked the stamina to control where and when your emissions occurred. You kept watch over your members, as you rose and fell in power, like the great one-eyed giant Polyphemus, herding the wild goats of a feral GOP caucus on a desolate island of bad governance and mixed metaphors. But, still, you seldom shrank away from the job at hand, even when Ted the intolerant, a being a pure evil, blindsided you with threats of one government shut down after another. Marco also rubioed you the wrong way, rooting for your downfall. But you stood firm, even when the randy Paul criticized you for your support of the NSA. You had to explain to Aqua Buddha Boy that NSA means something different to a playa like you: No Strings Attached, baby! That's how you roll!
So, what finally brought you down and deflated you for good? You said the words of Pope Francis played a role. Perhaps it was the phallic hat. It's probably hard to put your finger on it exactly. But there are rumors that something else was at play, possibly going on beneath the table. Maybe you wanted so badly to bury the announcement of China's new cap and trade system that you decided to thrust yourself into the news cycle and play rough with the headlines. You heard headlines like it when you show them who's boss. But, your actions eventually swelled into a giant scandal, a Boehnergate, the father of all Boehnerghazis. This looked like the last hurrah for you, but we knew there was more to come. Big loads of it.
Now, it's up to us to write the jokes that will stand tall in the history books. Please help this noble effort by contributing the following:
- Top 10 names for John Boehner (or as many as you can think of)
- Any good jokes or one-liners about Boehner that you have heard. Any jokes specifically about his resignation yet? Share your favorites.
- Any longer jokes, observations, or double entendres about Boehner.
And, as a shameless plug, make sure to tip and rec the diary so it stays out there and people have a chance to contribute material.
Thanks for rising to the occasion, Kossacks!
12:51 PM PT: Thanks for putting on the Rec List. I know not everyone like Boehner jokes, boner jokes, or humor diaries in general. But, it's nice to know there are still some at dKos who are willing to rise to the occasion and make some Boehner jokes.