I've only written three diaries here before. All in the spring of 2011. Nothing substantial - I had the idea that I would write at Daily Kos to improve my writing. I forget why I stopped - distractions? Life?
Anyway, one thing I quoted in a diary about Fukushima seems relevant:
A tsunami has its individuality.
Disaster evolves.
Time passes, the link in the diary is broken, but the quote is available online along with another one:
Remember the past.
2014 was the year of my own personal tsunami. And I'm going to try to write about it here. Why? I don't know. To get a feedback loop of some kind going, I guess. My first diary here was essentially about feedback loops and how they seem to be missing from politics (at least obvious, direct, and easily identifiable ones.)
There's a diverse group of left-leaning folks with which to bounce ideas around and practice writing and/or blogging. Let's see what happens below the Great Orange Squiggle of Extended (Optional) Doom...
So... background story. I was married in 1998 or so. Inherited a wonderful stepson as part of the package. Had a daughter in 1999. Divorced in 2009-ish.
The marriage to my ex was troublesome from the start, but I was young (if not in years) and stupid (or at least ignorant) and thought working things out was an option. It turned out that was not the case. Why?
Well, multiple factors. But basically, it turned out my ex was a sociopath (or so it seems to me now, anyway). And it's not easy to deal with someone like that. Am I being harsh? Maybe I'll make my case later. But for now... trying to build up context.
I suppose our story probably pretty typical. Opposites attract. I'm a fairly passive, shy, geeky guy. She's outgoing. So outgoing it made me uncomfortable. But she was effective, organized, and had aggressive qualities I lacked. I thought we could be a good team. To some extent and in some contexts, that was true.
We talked about our dreams. How she wanted to be a lawyer. I was a computer guy but wanted to be an academic. I would work and put her through law school, then she would put me through a PhD program when she started making the big bucks. Seemed like a good plan. When she got pregnant, it seemed like a good thing. We could take on the world! What could go wrong?
Turns out ... a lot.
It's 2015 now. In "agile" software development, there's something called a retrospective. You talk about what went wrong, what went right. Basically, it's a continuous improvement process.
2015 is the year of my retrospective as an ex-spouse and parent. Let the online retrospection begin!
So... after we got married, our daughter was premature. That was pretty traumatic. My ex was a stay-at-home mom while I worked overtime in softwareland. Then her sister moved in to be a "nanny" while we both worked. My ex got a different job and she never went to law school, but we prioritized her career over mine anyway because it had good income potential and I'm not the sort to chase after money or "career" anyway.
Years went by, putting her career first. But no matter how successful she got (six figures and rising), it was never time for me to do something different. I had to keep working.
When I found myself hating my job, I was pressured not to quit because the benefits were so good.
At this point, I didn't realize it but deep patterns had started to develop. When I wanted or needed something, it was not important. When my ex had needs, they were urgent, important, and must take priority over everything.
It turns out that you should pay attention when you hear phrases like "It's not the right time". It might be true or it might not. It might a power structure flexing it's power.
So... maybe you can see how this is going to play out? But maybe there's a question.. how is this relevant to some place like Daily Kos?
It's this.
Politics is life.
It was only in the past year (and many years after I was divorced) that I realized what a destructive relationship I was in. Staying during the hard times was hell for me and hell for the kids and my daughter, in particular paid the price for a toxic marriage.
So I'm going to make some statements:
I was married to a Republican. Maybe not politics-wise, but process-wise. This is my experience of both my ex and Republican governing ideals (I'll do a block quote because I can't figure out how to do a bullet list):
Retrospectives, analysis, and self-criticism should be avoided.
Secrecy is good.
Messaging über alles.
Do not ever admit fault.
Never apologize.
If you ever need a justification for something, claim that another's actions left no alternative.
Never discuss alternatives.
It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. Do not ask for permission OR forgiveness.
I sort of feel like I should do a "why I stayed" diary. Maybe I will.
But the reality is this... I was in an abusive relationship and I didn't realize it. I was depressed and I didn't realize it. And I kept on going, trying to pretend like unfixable things were fixable and being embroiled in an unwinnable power struggle because I was unwilling to compromise my ideals.
So really, THIS is how Daily Kos is relevant. Let me set up the scenario and hopefully try to break things out ideologically and by values:
Side One:
Prefers fairness to injustice.
Prefers balanced power to imbalanced power.
Prefers transparency to secrecy.
Prefers science to superstition or religion.
Side Two:
Fairness is when we win.
As long as I have more power than you, you can have as much as you want.
Secrecy is a virtue.
Science is excellent as long as it agrees with religion and all my other beliefs.
I sort of feel like Side Two is Republican and Side One, if not "Democrat" is ... for lack of a better term... Progressive.
And I have lived a very, very recent personal battle between my dominating "Republican" ex who has just run roughshod over my ideals. So much so that it made me question and doubt my entire "Side One" world view.
Simply put, and we all see it and complain about it on this site... Truth, Justice, and The American way lose pretty predictably in situations where there are power imbalances.
So maybe that's what I want to write about.
Over the past year, I've seen bombings of Palestinian ice cream factories. Hundreds and thousands of innocents killed by people who simply do not care about collateral damage. I've seen rampant racism and #BlackLivesMatter. So many families have suffered worse than mine, but I've acutely felt empathy and commonality on all kinds of spectrums.
For my own personal tsunami, I suppose, still to be described, I called for help and no help came. I found the true meaning of powerlessness precisely because I stuck to my guns in terms of following my principles.
The topic of power imbalances is one that's relevant here. Corporate power. Political power. Military power. And for me, power imbalances on a more personal scale.
More later. I guess I'm just getting the first words down and figuring out where the "New Diary" button is.
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OK. Can't publish. Need tag. Broken tag list for tagging tips at http://www.dailykos.com/.... Sigh.
Thanks for http://www.dailykos.com/... which I found by searching for "writing" in tags. Writing will be my required tag so I can publish. I'll figure out the rest later. :)