Today would have been my brother Barry's 50th birthday but at the age of 32 he decided to take his life. Robin Williams suicide has reopened old wounds. These diaries are a way for me to work though some of the emotional turmoil. Thanks for indulging me.
The night before Christmas Eve my brother decided to go to a cabin my parents owned and end his pain. This is the aftermath....
I arrived at the scene with other family members. The shock and horror of such a loss is beyond words. My father is there and lying on the floor is the body of my baby brother. He is growing stiff and cold as we wait for the ambulance.
During the drive home the sun is rising on a beautiful Christmas Eve morning. My husband is driving and I am thinking "How can this happen? How can the world go on? How can the sun rise while this is happening?"
The rest of the day consists of going through the motions of life. I wonder how I can make Christmas, well Christmas, for our children.
The tenor of our holiday was grim as it continues to be every year. The following days are wrapped up in preparations for a funeral and trying to make it through the grief.
The following year is lost in a haze of regret, anger and "what ifs." I quit eating and lost over 80 lbs.... my new diet of cigarettes, Junior Mints and Diet Coke is not one I would recommend. I walked around looking and feeling like a zombie.
My children suffered because I shut down emotionally. My husband picked up the pieces as well as he could but he worked full time and it was hard. Death and the aftermath is difficult, as I would learn in the next few years, but suicide adds a whole new dimension to the sorrow.
As the years passed I was able to crawl slowly out of the hole of bereavement. It has taken many years with many setbacks to achieve a semblance of "normality."
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number
1-800-273-8255