Sort of, it's been a very long and difficult year of growth and newness. My divorce was final as of August 8th of this year. September 12th marked the 16th anniversary of our wedding. My ex got the date and year of our marriage on our court papers wrong. It bothered me of course.
I'm working full time now and depend on spousal support to make ends meet. I have debt from buying clothes (Lost weight, slowly gaining it back due to another bought of depression, yesterday was mental health awareness) and moving out of the apartment we rented together. I have a lot of bills basically.
I also have a job that pays only a dollar more than what I made when I started a job in 2001. My take home pay doesn't even cover my rent.
Oh, it's a sob story, there are millions of them here.
But that's only part of my continual growth, learning to live on my own, sort of.
I started dating. I've definitely pushed my personal sexual boundaries. I'm, shall we say, exploring. And I am not diminishing this very important day by saying that my exploration has anything to do with sexuality. My exploration has more to do with other things.
Maybe it has to do with being married for fifteen years and being about as alone as you could be for a very long time. I loved my blogging and was active for a small period of time, I was a Netroots Nation Scholar in 2010. But by the time my ex-husband got on our local school board, I toned everything down. I mean, I do live in South Orange County, Ca. The contentious race that he won was more than just a school board race to some of us, it was about the very real threat of taking apart our teacher's unions and privatization of our schools. The people who backed our opponents had made a documentary and brought it to Washington to show that even in high performing, upscale Republican school districts, the Teacher's unions were an issue, that public schools just weren't good enough anywhere.
I was silenced. Not by anyone but myself. I lost my voice, I felt self conscious about what I wrote and did. I put so much of myself into this marriage, from helping him get his Ph.D. to then pushing him into local politics. He is still on our school board. And I did all of this by choice. I chose to live in the closet, I made the choice to not push myself to go further, to grow and to make choices.
I buried myself so deep that I made myself sick. I left my job in 2009 because it was almost impossible for me to keep going. My RA and Fibromylagia had gotten the best of me. I was worn down and so far gone. I tried to fight back but then in late 2011 I got in a pretty bad car accident and I still struggle with the outcome of that.
I, at 43, still am finding myself. I put so much into this marriage that I put myself in that proverbial closet. I locked myself away and gagged myself.
I am getting so much better, I have lost friends due to being more outspoken and more myself. I don't really give a shit either. I am dating quite a lovely man, who has so much to give and is in some way, also going through the same journey. He has so much potential. He could do anything he wants to do. He's just that awesome and anyone that knows him well enough would wholeheartedly agree with me.
But I can't seem to find my voice. I struggle to get it out. Partly because I seem to be growing so fast and furiously and partly because my growth has come in places that most people don't want to talk about.
Sexually.
I'm still a politically aware person. I believe that this growth is highly political. From body issues to reproductive issues. It's all political.
I just struggle with the idea that it's really anyone's business. But then I wonder, if I talk about it and write about it, would I actually help anyone? Especially women my age who really are curious about what it means to have a sexually fulfilling life? Yes.
Or to actually love all those folds, those curves. Which I struggle with every, single day. But it's all political. It's all part of the massive machine, meant to keep us preoccupied with all the wrong things, spending way too much money on how to lose weight and try to look like something we aren't. Women, we are spending so much time and energy on all the wrong things.
So, how is this a coming out diary?
I'm coming out in so many different ways.
- I'm divorced
- I'm a sexual being
- I'm bisexual
- I'm kinky
- I' a feminist
- I'm learning to love my body
- I want to write about all of these things
- I want to fight for everyone woman to have full control over her body
- I want every girl to have access to an education (Yes, girls, I think this is all connected, from shame over their periods, etc.)
- I want girls to know they are not inferior in any shape or form
- I want to set an example somehow, that there is a future after divorce, that you can do anything, at any age.
I could go on, I want to do so much. And it's all political and it's all linked to sex, in some way. It all has something to do with what's between your legs.
This has been the most difficult year of my life but also the most fulfilling and enlightening so far. There is so much more. It is just the beginning.
Happy Coming Out Day!