From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Let's Do the Time Warp Again.
Twice a year, we move our clocks in one direction or another by an hour. This Sunday we move them in the direction modern-day Republicans hate: forward.
Time. Slippery thing. No one knows how much they'll get, but most people agree that whatever it is it's not enough. We want time and we need time but too often we don’t take time. We take time-outs, but a lot of fucking good it does since time doesn't care about your time-out…it rolls merrily along. Also no time-and-a-half, you moocher.
It took me 20 minutes to write that paragraph. That's time I didn’t have but somehow I found it.
Einstein said "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour; sit next to a pretty woman for an hour and it seems like a minute." That's the same thing I say about being in an elevator when someone farts and watching
The Rachel Maddow Show.
The Woman Suffrage March on Washington happened 100 years ago this week and it feels like ancient history. The Selma to Montgomery marches took place 48 years ago this week and it feels like the blink of an eye. Rand Paul filibustered for 13 hours Wednesday and I remember him warning us about Obama's secret plan to drone-strike Jane Fonda. I had breakfast 13 hours ago, but I couldn't tell you what it was.
And speaking of time:
Aside from Velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can’t see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything. (Dave Barry)
Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. (Ambrose Bierce)
Time you enjoyed wasting is not wasted time. (T.S. Elliot)
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. (Stephen Wright)
So, anyway. Clocks forward an hour Sunday morning at 2am. We lose an hour of sleep. Thanks a lot,
OhhhBAMA!!!
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers Cheers for Friday, March 8, 2013
Note: Due to the sequester, the faces on Mount Rushmore have been put in storage and replaced with cardboard cutouts. If the sequester persists, the cardboard cutouts will be put in storage and replaced with four coconuts. We regret the inconvenience. ---Cardboard cutout of a Park Service spokesman
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Pi Day: 6
Days 'til WonderCon Anaheim: 21
Number of registered Kossacks as of this morning: 709,916
(Source: High Impact Posts)
Portion of U.S. Catholics who say Pope Benedict XVI and the Vatican have done a poor job of handling sexual abuse: 7-in-10
(Source: CBS News-NYT poll via Angry Mouse)
Average rate of inflation in Venezuela during Hugo Chavez's reign: 22%
(Source: The Wall Street Journal)
Number of GOP candidates who defeat Hillary Clinton in hypothetical match-ups for the 2016 presidential race: 0
(Source: Quinnipiac poll)
Weight of the ram penises shipped to China from an Iceland slaughterhouse as part of an October trade agreement: 4,000 lbs
(Source: Harper's Index)
Percent chance that I'm not sure if that's the combined weight of the ram penises or the individual weight of each ram penis: 100%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: "Come and get it!!!"
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CHEERS to pictures that say a thousand words. I so love seeing groups of people standing around the president with big ol' grins because it usually means he just signed something into law. Like, say, the Violence Against Women Act, now with protections added for Native Americans and LGBTers:
This is a victory for women in America and the only way it made it to the president's desk was thanks to the unanimous support of Democrats, especially those in the House who had to help John Boehner overcome the fact that he's really bad at his job. Just one small suggestion for the next re-authorization: for clarity, change the name to the Violence Against Women Is Very Very Senseless And Bad So Don’t Do It Instead Count To Ten And Calm The Fuck Down Act." VAWIVVSABSDDIICTTACTFDA for short.
CHEERS to fewer idle hands. Republicans were hoping today's jobs numbers would be shitty so they could pin the blame on Democrats. But according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, they didn’t get their wish:
February also saw an uptick in jobs
among people who make graphs.
Total nonfarm payroll employment increased by 236,000 in February, and the unemployment rate edged down to 7.7 percent.
Employment increased in professional and business services, construction, and health care. …
The number of unemployed persons, at 12.0 million, also edged lower in February.
Among those now gainfully employed: deadbeat dad and (thankfully) former Congressman
Joe Walsh. He's gonna be on the radio in Illinois. Excellent news for March's earplug-sector employment numbers.
CHEERS to getting shellacked. Fifty-nine years ago tomorrow, on March 9, 1954, Edward R. Murrow---from whom Keith Olbermann borrowed his sign-off line, "Good night and good luck," and boy would I like to hear him say that on a nightly basis again---took Ann Coulter's pin-up idol, Senator Joseph McCarthy, to the cleaners over his Communist witch hunt. His fab-o wrapup could serve as a middle-finger salute to McCarthy's successor, Senator Ted Cruz of Texas:
"We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty. We must remember always that accusation is not proof and that conviction depends upon evidence and due process of law. We will not walk in fear, one of another. We will not be driven by fear into an age of unreason, if we dig deep in our history and our doctrine, and remember that we are not descended from fearful men---not from men who feared to write, to speak, to associate and to defend causes that were, for the moment, unpopular."
McCarthy, of course, was the ideological jerk from Wisconsin who thought he could bully and bluster his way to power and glory. As opposed to Governor Scott Walker, the ideological jerk from Wisconsin who thinks he can bully and bluster his was to power and glory. They're totally different. McCarthy had better hair.
CHEERS to knives and bats and garden weasels…oh my! This week the TSA announced it was relaxing restrictions on various items that a terrorist could use to annoy people: things like small knives with non-lockable blades, bats, golf clubs and hockey sticks. Still prohibited: liquids over 3 ounces, tiki torches and Glee CDs. Because, hey, safety first.
CHEERS to shuttle diplomacy. On March 8, 1854, U.S. Commodore Matthew C. Perry reached Japan during his second trip there. It was a big success. He came back with the Kanagawa Treaty and a runner-up trophy from the karaoke finals.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Rumor has it there's stuff on TV this weekend. Like, fer instance, HBO's Real Time, where tonight Bill Maher hangs out with David Cross, Michael Steele and Arianna Huffington. Sports: the NHL schedule is here, and the PGA's filthy-richest golfers will whine about having to pay taxes as they play the final rounds of the Cadillac Championship. New DVD releases include the unnecessary remake of Red Dawn (good Americans with guns beat bad Russians with guns---or as Wayne LaPierre calls it: It's A Wonderful Life) and the animated Oscar nominee Wreck-It Ralph. Justin Timberlake hosts SNL. Oh, and 60 Minutes looks like a barrel of laughs with a segment on how tainted medication gives people fungal meningitis. Pass the popcorn, Ma!
On Bill Moyers & Company, author Hedrick Smith ("Who Stole the American Dream?") explores income inequality, and don’t forget to check in with the best weekend morning shows, Up! With Chris Hayes and Melissa Harris-Perry. And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Immigration flip-flop-flipper Jeb Bush has been invited on the show by the producers so that he might increase the size of his personal fortune by hawking his new ghost-written book; Sens. Tim Kaine (D-VA) and Tom Coburn (R-OK) on how awesome it is to eat food with the president!!!; plus Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI), Rep. Cory Gardner (R-CO), Joe Scarborough, Dee Dee Myers, Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN), Steve Schmidt and Ruth Marcus.
This Week: The producers invite Jeb Bush on so that he can hawk his ghost-written book because he badly needs a bigger boat; Sen. Ron Johnson (R-WI) on how awesome it is to eat food with the president!!!; DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz; roundtable with George Will, Paul Krugman, Julianna Goldman; and filmmaker R.J. Cutler on his documentary, The World According to Dick Cheney.
Face the Nation: The producers invite Jeb Bush on so he can sell a bunch of books to finance a new Bentley; NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg; Rep. Chris Van Hollen (D-MD); and Sen. Rob Portman (R-OH) on how awesome it is to eat food with the president!!!
CNN's State of the Union: CNN's State of the Union: The producers invite Jeb Bush on so he can sell a bunch of books to finance a solid-gold commode for his den; Nancy Pelosi on her plans when she becomes House speaker again in January 2015; House majority whip Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) on how awesome it is to eat food with the president!!! Roundtable with Anita Dunn, Donna Brazile, Newt Gingrich and Alex Castellanos.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Fair and balanced, as usual, with Republicans Paul Ryan and Jeb Bush, the latter of whom will sell so many ghost-written books from this appearance that he can buy Fort Knox. Roundtable with Bill Kristol, Scott Brown, Kirsten Powers and Charles Lane. No Democrats have been invited on the show because they're all job-creating, stock market-skyrocketing tyrants.
Happy viewing and BUY JEB'S BOOK OR YOU HATE FREEDOM!!!
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Two years ago in C&J: March 8, 2011
CHEERS to the Whisker Rebellion. Recently Maine's tea party governor said that the chemical BPA---labeled a "substance of concern" by the EPA and CDC---was so safe that the worst it would do is give women "little beards." In response, the grassroots called attention to his "joke" by designating last Friday "Little Beards Day." Maine women (and supporters from away) took photos of their fuzzy faces and posted them on Facebook. It's a reminder that humor can be an effective attention-getter. And also that if we're not vigilant Republicans are going to get us all killed.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a change of heart. President Bill Clinton signed the Defense of Marriage Act into law in the middle of the night on September 21, 1996---the height of election season---after it was passed by the House 342-67 and by the Senate 85-14. (Can you say veto-proof majorities?) Seventeen years later, as resistance to LGBT equality collapses like a house of cards and DOMA faces a test in the Supreme Court this month, ol' Bubba is dancin' the mea culpa shuffle. From his column in today's Washington Post that has tongues wagging:
Well, well, well. Look who evolved.
Americans have been at this sort of a crossroads often enough to recognize the right path. We understand that, while our laws may at times lag behind our best natures, in the end they catch up to our core values. One hundred fifty years ago, in the midst of the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln concluded a message to Congress by posing the very question we face today: “It is not ‘Can any of us imagine better?’ but ‘Can we all do better?’ ”
The answer is of course and always yes. In that spirit, I join with the Obama administration, the petitioner Edith Windsor, and the many other dedicated men and women who have engaged in this struggle for decades in urging the Supreme Court to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act.
Aaaaaaand...closure!!!
Have a super weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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