Mitt Romney today told a national audience that while Michigan has right-heighted trees, each and every state has its own kind of perfection, that no state lacks its own kind of awesomeness. Signaling that when nominated he plans to run a 50-state strategy, the candidate went through a litany describing what he admires, in every state, from coast-to-coast.
I love California. The sand on the beaches has right kind of granularity.
I love Oregon. The rain there maintains an ideal sort of wetness.
I love Washington. The ferries emit the perfect smell of diesel.
I love Alaska. The Moose are the right height there.
I love Arizona. You can open jars there on the first try.
I love Nevada. The roulette wheels are just the right roundness.
I love Utah. The Great Salt Lake has just the perfect amount of salt.
I love Idaho. The length of fur on the bears seems perfect to me.
I love Hawaii. I can't get enough of the cheesy poi.
I love New Mexico. It seems to be situated so correctly between Arizona and Texas.
I love Colorado. When it snows in the mountains none of the snowflakes is exactly the same, and that seems right to me.
I love Wyoming. States that end with an "ing" are so rare. I love special things.
I love Montana. It's a big state, but not too big. In fact, it's just the right size.
I love Texas. The cattle there have just the right number of hooves.
I love Oklahoma. Its citizens have just the right number of toes.
I love Kansas. The exit ramps on its freeways are the right length.
I love Nebraska. The sound of the wind achieves the right decibel level there.
I love South Dakota. Thomas Jefferson's nostrils on Mt. Rushmore exhibit incomparable concavity.
I love North Dakota. I mean, who doesn't. Its winter temperatures offer the perfect survival challenge, so needed by its perfect young people.
I love Louisiana. When I fly over it in my private jet it sits there in just the right way, letting me look at it.
I love Arkansas. Its ladders are the right height.
I love Missouri. The mosquitoes there whine at the right frequency when they fly into your ears.
I love Iowa. The lecterns of its clergy are just the right height.
I love Minnesota. It has schools. And grocery stores. I so admire them for that.
Yo amo Florida. Its football players wear just the right shoulder pads.
I love Mississippi. You already know how much I admire their cheesy grits. Well, all you sneering liberals, I haven't changed my mind.
I love Alabama. Its feral dogs maraud in just the right way.
I love Georgia. Who would have thought there could be a state made from the name "George"! That's perfect, if you ask me.
I love South Carolina. Its palmettos are just the right height.
I love Tennessee. Its hollows somehow achieve that perfect hollowness which I love.
I love North Carolina. it's so perfect I wish I could wrap it up and take it home with me.
I love Kentucky. I love that when you mow grass there the air smells good for a while.
I love West Virginia. Have you ever noticed that the eggs there are perfectly ovoid?
I love Virginia. Its toaster ovens are the right width.
I love Illinois. The tractors there are all outfitted with winches. Just as God intended.
I love Wisconsin. The iPads there are thinner.
I love Michigan. The trees are the right height.
I love Indiana. The ornamental shrubs there don't talk back to you like they do in France.
I love Ohio. The twine in Ohio always has the ideal tensile strength.
I love Maryland. For some reason popping a sheet of bubble wrap is more fun in Maryland than anywhere else.
I love Delaware. Their refrigerators maintain the right temperature.
I love Pennsylvania. When you walk through piles of dead leaves in Autumn there, it always makes the right crunch.
I love New Jersey. No other state has such great doorknobs.
I love New York. Where else can you find the Erie Canal?
I love Connecticut. Its bees make just the right flight.
I love Massachusetts. Its helicopters make that chop chop chop sound better than anyplace else in the world. I know! You elected me governor!
I love Vermont. Its carpeting is just the right plushness.
I love New Hampshire. Pencils stay sharper there longer than anywhere else.
I love Maine. Its trees are just the right height. (Shh. Don't tell Michigan.)