From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Preview: Republican Debate #1
Moderator: Welcome to tonight's first GOP debate. Because there are so many candidates, we've had to divide you into groups, give each group one question, and limit each candidate's answer to one word. But since your views are all the same, we don't anticipate this being a problem. Our first question is for Senator Paul, Governor Walker, Governor Bush and Ms. Fiorina. What will your energy policy be as president?
Paul: Drill
Walker: Here
Bush: Drill
Fiorina: Now.
They're gonna need a bigger stage.
Moderator: Thank you. Now, Governor Huckabee, Senator Santorum, Governor Perry and Governor Jindal, what would you say if you found out you had a son or daughter who came out to you as a homosexual?
Huckabee: Pray
Santorum: Away
Perry: The
Jindal: Gay.
Moderator: Fine, then. Now, over to you Dr. Carson, Senator Graham, Senator Rubio, Senator Cruz, Mr. Trump and Ambassador Bolton. Can you give us a preview of your foreign policy goals?
Carson: Bomb
Graham: Bomb
Rubio: Bomb
Cruz: Bomb
Trump: Bomb
Bolton: Iran.
Moderator: And that's all the time we have. Thank you to all the candidates for making your views perfectly clear, and thank you at home for watching. Good night.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, May 7, 2015
Programming Note of Pain and Woe: Tis cottage-opening season in Maine, and C&J will be using a couple HR-approved vacation days so we can realize our annual dream of being knee-deep in dead flies, cobwebs and god knows what else we'll find over the next few days. So there will be no C&J tomorrow or Monday. If we find enough change in the sofa cushions from last summer, we'll buy you each a souvenir dead-fly snow globe from the gift shop. Back Tuesday. Meteor Blades has been hired to babysit during our absence. Make sure he earns that five bucks! ---Mgt.
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9 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the same-sex marriage referendum vote in Ireland:
15
Days 'til the
S. 9th Street Italian Market Festival in Philadelphia:
9
Estimated number of women freed from Boko Haram captivity in Nigeria over the last week:
700
(Source: Nigerian military via AP)
Percent of black and white Americans, respectively, who believe
race relations are good in America right now:
28%, 33%
(Source:
CBS News-NYT poll)
Rank of Norway, Finland and Iceland in the new
State of the World's
Mothers report:
#1, #2, #3
Rank of Japan, the U.S. and Slovakia:
#32, #33, #34
(Source: Save the Children report via
james321)
Attendance at this year's New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival,
the highest since Hurricane Katrina:
460,000
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Keep in mind that every step we take to lessen the cost of campaigning also lessens the extent to which our leaders are in hock to corporate special interests.
But if I may harp on it just once more, the only real solution to the corruption of American politics is publicly financed campaigns. Until we fix it so that the only people whom our politicians owe when they get to office are the voters, the system will continue to stink.
Vote for the first candidate you can find who will stand up and say so. Amen.
---May, 1996
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Most dogs bark. This one squeals.
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2015 Campaign poster FAIL.
CHEERS to packed polling places across The Pond. Britain's Brits
take their stiff upper lips to voting places today, and we already know one of the winners: the election process itself, which includes a short campaign season, making our non-stop, money-centric, poll-crazy shoutfest look pretty pathetic. Current Prime Minister
and Titanic director James David Cameron will likely hold onto power instead of challenger Ed Miliband, in part because the Labour Party chose to run as "Austerity Lite" instead of proudly progressive. (Yes, I'm allowed to back-seat drive other countries' elections---I'm an American.) If things turn out like they did five years ago, we can expect a brief post-election period of confusion, horse-trading, soggy kippers and a shortage of bowler hats. But all that will dissipate as it usually does at around 4 O'clock when the Queen puts the kettle on.
CHEERS to sanity in the Great Tar Sanded North. Oh, Canada! I forget the rest of how that song goes, so I'll skip that part and go straight to this: in the latest election there, Alberta's liberals decimated Alberta's conservatives this week, and I have to say their right-wingers are calmer than ours when they freak out:
Said Saskatchewan: "Build the dang fence!"
JEERS to Bill in Portland Maine: common criminal. Imagine my surprise when I found out yesterday that I'm being sued by a woman in Nebraska for being a card-carrying homosexual. Among the charges Sylvia Driskell is leveling against me and every other gay person in America (specifically, “Homosexuals; Their Given Name Homosexuals; Their, Alis Gay”):
Oh, honey, I could do
WONDERS with the place!
• “Never before has Our great Nation the United States of America And our great State of Nebraska; been besiege by sin; The way to destroy any Nation, or State is to destroy its morals; Look what happen to Sodom and Gomorrah two city because of the same immoral behavior thats present in Our Nation, in Our States, and our Cities; God destroy them.”
• “Why are judges passing laws, so sinners can break religious, and moral laws. Will all the judges of this Nation, judge God to be a lier. For God has said, that all unrighteousness is sin, And that homosexuality is abomination.”
In response, I plan to counter-sue all of Nebraska's Sylvia Driskells for sins against the English language. After all, look what happened to Spellom and Grammarah!
CHEERS to the end of the war after the war to end all wars. World War II in the European theatre, which got started in 1939 when Mrs. O'Leary's cow kicked a kerosene lantern into Adolf Hitler's art studio (Source: Bullshitipedia), officially ended in Europe 70 years ago tomorrow. Said President Truman: "The flags of freedom fly all over Europe!" Moments later, the House cafeteria changed "freedom veal" back to plain old wienerschnitzel.
Yes, ma'am. Yes, they are.
JEERS to more ankle biting. Here we go again. It's official---the umpteenth House Beating A Dead Horse Committee will grill Hillary Clinton later this month on what she knew about
BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI!!! It'll be the second time she's stared down the Republican scandal conjurers. Answers will be demanded, tempers will flare, umbrage will be taken, fingers will be pointed and pointed and…[
flips page]…pointed some more. By the end of the day, committee Chairyokel Trey Gowdy will have so thoroughly outwitted Mrs. Clinton that she'll end up fleeing the chamber, robbing a series of banks, and leading police on a high-speed chase through northern Virginia in her Studebaker, but not before ordering the
murder of that Clinton Cash author (among others), granting amnesty to over 500 million illegal immigrants and draining the treasury into the pockets of the moocher class. Oh, and to you students who will be reading about this next year in American History class from a textbook approved by the Texas Board of Education: Sorry---I shoulda yelled "Spoiler alert."
JEERS to today's edition of "Things That Make Me Feel Old." Bob Seger turned 70 yesterday. This has been another edition of "Things That Make Me Feel Old."
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 7, 2005
JEERS to the Land of the Lost. Let me get this straight: another $100 million has simply gone "poof" in Iraq?? Bringing the total amount of "lost" reconstruction money to $9.52 billion in two years?? Is anybody in charge in Iraq?? Isn't this our tax money?? Hello??
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And just one more…
CHEERS to my surrogate moms. I’m a product of America’s fine public schools system, and you can put me on record as feeling pretty darn ashamed of the way our teachers are treated by state governments. I had great public school teachers. And they had a troublesome student. That’s why, during National Teacher Appreciation Week, I offer the following thanks to my earliest schoolmarms, starting in 1969:
Mrs. Dunn, Kindergarten: Thanks for introducing me to the rich, creamy flavor of paste and all its culinary possibilities.
Mrs. Cline, 1st Grade: Thank you for teaching me how to read and feed the goldfish.
My little red schoolhouse: East
Elementary in Mount Vernon, Ohio.
Mrs. Martin, 2nd Grade: Thank you for noting that my writing skills were below-average. Your words lit a fire under me that burned brightly in my soul until recess. I've been trying to relight it ever since.
Mrs. Wiley, 3rd Grade: Thank you for being the one teacher who somehow figured out how to make math fun for me. The candy rewards might've had something to do with it.
Mrs. Giaque, 4th Grade: Thank you for encouraging my insatiable interest in World War II history, to the point of having your high-school-age son, also a WWII buff, make up quizzes for me just for fun. Thank you also for letting us play my favorite childhood game, Dodgeball, so often. It allowed me to hone my skills for the day I entered the professional workforce and started playing my favorite adulthood game: Dodgework.
Miss Woolson, 5th Grade: Thanks for letting us bring in our novelty records to play every Friday afternoon before the final bell, even after you got in trouble for letting us drop the needle on Ray Stevens' The Streak.
And to all my teachers: Thank you for not blaming me for driving you to drink. It's a sweet little lie that warms my heart whenever I think of you.
Have a nice Thursday. It should be academic, really. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
George Stephanopoulos: I can hear the Republican attack ad right now. He wants America to look more like Cheers and Jeers.
Sen. Bernie Sanders: That’s right. That’s right. And what’s wrong with that?
---This Week
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