For those of you not up to speed with the nasty used car salesmen at F&R Auto Sales in Westport, MA, you can read about the schadenfreude event of the year here:
Hell hath no fury like the Internet avenging a pizza delivery driver
TL;DR version - Used car salesmen turn up the odious to eleven and cheat of pizza guy out of his tip in a most humiliating way, complete with threats of violence. Video of the event makes its way on line and the incandescent wrath of the Internet descends upon the miscreants in the form of legions of KarmaTroopers from 4Chan, Reddit and Livestream.
Today an "apology" has surfaced on a local radio station's web site, with a promise that the dealership's sales manager, one Gary Batista, will be on the morning program tomorrow to answer questions.
(Live stream here, though I doubt this link will work tomorrow due to the volume of people who are going to want to listen to this show)
And now the the text of the "apology", and then my comments.
ON BEHALF OF THE OWNER WHO WAS NOT PRESENT DURING THE TAPING OF THIS VIDEO AND MANAGEMENT WE WILL LIKE TO PUBLICLY APOLOGIZE FOR THE ACTIONS THAT LED TO THIS SITUATION, THIS EMBARRASSING VIDEO GONE VIRAL ON THE INTERNET, WAS NOT RELEASED BY ANY EMPLOYEE OF F AND R AUTO SALES. IN ADDITION TO THIS APOLOGY THE OWNER AND PROPRIETOR WILL LIKE TO OFFER A CASH DONATION TO THE DELIVERY MAN IN THE VIDEO. THE ACTIONS OF THE FEMALE LED TO HER TERMINATION AND THE OTHER GENTLEMAN THAT WAS BELITTLING THE MAN IN THE VIDEO WAS NOT AN EMPLOYEE OF F AND R AUTO SALES AND HAD NO PERMISSION OR AUTHORIZATION TO RELEASE ANY SECURITY FOOTAGE FROM F AND R AUTO SALES. WE ARE CURRENTLY STRAIGHTENING OUT MATTERS ON THAT BEHALF .
YOURS SINCERELY,
GARY BATISTA
SALES MANAGER
F AND R AUTO SALES
(The prosecution stipulates to the spelling and grammar errors, so we will not enumerate them, though we will note the fact that the text is in ALL CAPS clearly demonstrates the person who wrote this has NO earthly idea of the customs and practices of the Internet. Since this is the person the owner has chosen to act as his spokesman, tomorrow's radio show is going to be like watching a pack of cranky doberman's circling a kitten dipped in bacon grease.)
So, lets review the apology.
ON BEHALF OF THE OWNER
Umm, does the owner have two broken arms? Does he know how to read and write? If the answer to these question is "no" and "yes", then why the Hell isn't he writing this himself? It is HIS dealership and HIS employees, so he should PERSONALLY be addressing this issue in public. Hiding behind someone else and making them clean up his mess and face the angry mob will not endear him to the rather excitable minions of the web. In fact, hiding behind his SALES MANAGER, the guy who should have realized a long time ago the kind of intestinal parasites he had working there, is likely agitate the punters into a state of some vexation.
WHO WAS NOT PRESENT DURING THE TAPING OF THIS VIDEO
This little tidbit of exculpatory testimony might have been helpful except for the fact that being "NOT PRESENT" seems to be a recurring theme. He is absent from this apology, he will be absent tomorrow during the
inquisition question and answer session. Absence appears to be the owner's default setting.
AND MANAGEMENT WE WILL LIKE TO PUBLICLY APOLOGIZE FOR THE ACTIONS THAT LED TO THIS SITUATION,
And could you elucidate about your specific actions that led to this situations?
THIS EMBARRASSING VIDEO GONE VIRAL ON THE INTERNET,
But would you have been sorry if this video hadn't gone viral? Somehow, I think not.
WAS NOT RELEASED BY ANY EMPLOYEE OF F AND R AUTO SALES.
So, the boss-eyed chap with the 14th century tonsorial nightmare was the one who uploaded it?
IN ADDITION TO THIS APOLOGY THE OWNER AND PROPRIETOR WILL LIKE TO OFFER A CASH DONATION TO THE DELIVERY MAN IN THE VIDEO.
Cash is good, because I would strongly advise anyone from taking a check from you guys. I read in the reviews of your business (the ones that predate your current tribulations) that you guys have problems with checks.
THE ACTIONS OF THE FEMALE LED TO HER TERMINATION
"THE FEMALE"? What are your a
Ferengi? Jane Goodall observing primates in the wild?
AND THE OTHER GENTLEMAN THAT WAS BELITTLING THE MAN IN THE VIDEO WAS NOT AN EMPLOYEE OF F AND R AUTO SALES
Well, your employees let him in, let him sit at the desk, let him use the phone and let him use your computers. Don't look now, but I think you have a bit of a discipline problem. Oh wait, you might already know that.
AND HAD NO PERMISSION OR AUTHORIZATION TO RELEASE ANY SECURITY FOOTAGE FROM F AND R AUTO SALES.
So, this guy who isn't an employee, had access to your computers and your security cameras and was allowed, despite not being an employee, to copy footage from your computer network and upload them onto the Internet? Wow, you must have the world's WORST sales manager at your dealership.
Wait, isn't he the guy that is writing this apology and acting as your spokesman to the media and the public tomorrow?
You are SO screwed.
WE ARE CURRENTLY STRAIGHTENING OUT MATTERS ON THAT BEHALF.
Yes, you might want to do that, especially since your non-employee may have violated your state's wiretap laws.
By the way, I notice that you don't mention the fate of the generously proportioned gentleman who was exuberantly expostulating about how he wanted Mr. Tansey job. Did he get his wish to deliver pizzas, or is he still in your employ? If so, why?
YOURS SINCERELY
Somehow, I doubt that.
GARY BATISTA
SALES MANAGER
Gary, if there is any word in the English language that does not deserve to be rendered in all capital letters, it would be the word "manager" when it follows your name.
F AND R AUTO SALES
Apparently your typing skills are on par with your spelling, grammar and management skills. The name of your business is "F&R" Auto Sales, not "F AND R" Auto Sales. The funny little thing between the "F" and "R" is called an "ampersand" and you make it by pressing the "shift" key and the "7" key.
You really might want to rethink tomorrow. Your best bet is to board a plane, fly to Australia and move to the middle of the outback as far from an Internet connection as you can get.
Trust me, you will be safer there.
Fri Jan 16, 2015 at 1:11 PM PT: The reviews are in and survey says: The entire Internet hates these people.
The apology that was proffered is not going over well, and by not going over well, I mean the maelstrom of rage has doubled as media sites (like CNN, Fox News, The Evening Standard, NY Daily News, etc) and alpha web sites (like Gawker, Buzzfeed, Raw Story, The Blaze, Boing, Boing, etc) pick up the story. The story is also migrating to the rest of the English language web, and starting to jump to foreign language sites as well, which means our stalwart defenders of dickishness will get the opportunity to learn the word "asshole" in multiple languages.
I think these people just became Chapter One of the next public relations textbook as a case study of business suicide by social media.
I could feel sorry for these people, except they aren't sorry, they are angry and seem to lack even the quantum of self-awareness that nature gave an E. Coli bacterium.
One thing you have to credit these sewer rats with accomplishing is that have unified almost the entire Internet against them. Conservative and Liberal, Jew and Gentile, Yankee and Southerner, Black and White, Japanese and Chinese, Twilight fan and Potter fan, cats and dogs, they are ALL unanimous in their visceral hatred of these people. Even other used car salesmen are raining abuse upon them. This is the metaphorical equivalent of every nation on the Earth taking mortal exception to some dinky island nation in the middle of nowhere and then unloading every nuke in their arsenal on that one square block of sand.
Somewhere in history, Job is counting his blessing that he did not live in the age of social media.