Holiday classics don't really represent what America STANDS FOR, any more.
I mean, sure, peace love and harmony sound great in theory, but as we all know the Truth is far different. America needs Christmas Carols to represent the true nature of American CHRISTMAS. (Don't you dare say happy holidays! This is a Christmas Carol Diary, Dammit!)
So if you'll follow me over the Flip, I'll provide some wonderful new versions to sing with your Republican Friends and Family.
(Carols on the Flip)
"I'm Dreaming Of A White Privilege Christmas"
I'm Dreaming of a White Privilege Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know,
Where the Cops are trustworthy,
And all thugs lurking,
will be dealt with, with lots of ammo...
I'm Dreaming of a White Privilege Christmas
With Every Editorial I write,
May your days be Merry, and Fun,
Wait, I think that wallet... is a gun.
"The Little Suspect Boy"
Hand where I can see them, KA-BLAM, BLAM BLAM BLAM
We'll drive up nice and calmly, KA-BLAM, BLAM BLAM BLAM
Why do they always run, KA-BLAM, BLAM BLAM BLAM
It just makes them Guilty, KA-BLAM, BLAM BLAM BLAM, BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM, BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM....
So to protect ourselves, KA-BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
We use our guns.
African American, KA-BLAM, BLAM BLAM BLAM
Community Member too, KA-BLAM, BLAM BLAM BLAM,
We're making the streets safe, KA-BLAM, BLAM BLAM BLAM,
Why do they blame it on... KA-BLAM, BLAM BLAM BLAM, BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM, BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM.
Nothing to see, KA-BLAM BLAM BLAM,
He looked at me.
Aggressively.
"We Three Corps"
We Three Corps of Internet are,
Making sure you don't go to far,
With your angry, words that mangy,
Hippies play on guitar,
OH, Net Neutrality Isn't Right
Net belong to us Awright?
Our House Our Rules, You Freaking Fools,
Sit down and eat your soundbites.
"Jolly Old Saint Rush Limbaugh"
Jolly Old Saint Rush Limbaugh,
Has a lot to say,
Doesn't hear a single word,
That the other side will say,
Christmas is coming soon,
And as you all know,
those Secular a'thiests
Want to wreck the show!
If you know of more ways to truly bring home the majesty of a right wing Christmas, feel free to tell me in the comments.