I originally wrote this as an email to Sara R. Then I realized that as powerful as Sara is, I need more than one Sara.
This is my cat Shades reading with me in bed as he does every night. He's been almost blind for a year or so but still enjoys a good read.
Sun Oct 05, 2014 at 10:52 AM PT: My cat Shades died in my arms this morning at 11am. His arms were wrapped around my neck in one of his fabulous hugs.
I held him for a couple of hours and talked to him, going over the story of his life. As mushy as this may seem, I had a strength I didn't know I had. It was as if while I was holding him, I was aware of you all holding me.
Thank you ever so much.
On Friday I noticed something odd about my cat. He hadn't been drinking his water. He wasn't dehydrated but I called the vet anyway and made an appointment for Monday.
He still isn't eating or drinking and I even got him salmon and tuna and tried to give him dropperfuls of the liquid. He wasn't having any of it. He showed amazing strength in keeping his jaws shut and truthfully I don't want to torture him.
So he goes to the vet Monday morning and barring some kind of miracle we will probably be euthanizing him. He is 18 and a half.
And I know it's time. I've always known with each of my pets. They just act different. They lay in odd places facing the wrong direction. Even though Shades found his way to our bed last night, climbed up his special steps and slept with us all, his behavior today shows all the indications that it's time.
He is the last of my 5 original cats. The only one of my pets that has lived with me before I bought this house 12 years ago.
All my pets have been cremated when they died. By a place called Littlest Angels owned by a wonderful woman who is oddly enough, named Kitty. I have always met up with Kitty in person and handed her each of my little loves.
I have never left one at the vet to be picked up by her though that is a common practice and I'm not saying there is anything wrong with doing that, it's just something I have never done.
I hold each one of my pets in my arms as they are euthanized and then deliver them into Kitty's arms.
I hand over each of my pets, over the years it's been 5 cats and 2 dogs, wrapped in one of my nightgowns. She cremates each animal one at a time with a special feather she picks out.
Now, even as an atheist I believe that animals have souls. In my own little scientific "energy can neither be created or destroyed" sort of way.
Kitty believes they have souls and that it takes 3 hours for a soul to leave an animals body. I don't know, but I do know that I don't want to leave my cat at the vet alone.
I'm worried about my schedule though. Monday is a very busy day for me. I board dogs as part of my job and spring break starts next week. On Monday I have several clients dropping their dogs off. My clients are very understanding but they also need me.
I feel very petty worrying about my schedule too, putting it over the needs, or my perception of my cats needs.
Also as anyone who reads the Monday Night Cancer Club diaries knows I've been sick most of the summer and have 2 doctors appointments on Monday afternoon.
I have left a message with Kitty asking if she can meet me at the vets or if we can meet up sometimes Monday. But I am full of what if's. What if she can't meet up with me Monday? What if she can't meet up with me Tuesday? What if I do have to leave my cat at the vet treating him differently from all my other pets?
I don't know. And I don't know why I really wrote this diary. Except maybe to ask for a little love and light to be sent the way of my cat Shades, myself and the rest of my animal family.
Sigh.
Shades checking out the new pootie pads.
Sun Oct 05, 2014 at 10:52 AM PT: My cat Shades died in my arms this morning at 11am. His arms were wrapped around my neck in one of his fabulous hugs.
I held him for a couple of hours and talked to him, going over the story of his life. As mushy as this may seem, I had a strength I didn't know I had. It was as if while I was holding him, I was aware of you all holding me.
Thank you ever so much.