The death of Robin Williams by his own hand has dredged up memories of my brother's suicide. They both were gregarious people loved by everyone who knew them but haunted by so much inner turmoil and despair that they decided to end their lives. This is only a brief introduction to the devastation suicide can create.
My brother adored Robin Williams and they even resembled one another. They both chose asphyxiation as the means to end their pain. This diary and the follow ups will be a way for me to vent and as a way for others to, hopefully, understand the unique grief associated with this act.
My brother, Barry, was born in 1964 when I was the ripe old age of 9 and my brother, Kent, was 7. As the youngest child he had all the advantages and disadvantages of having older siblings. He was an outgoing personality. My brother Kent was much more introverted and became an engineer with a degree in Industrial Technology. Kent was also a Captain and Commanding Officer in the Missouri National Guard. Barry, on the other hand, got his B.S. in Mass Communications and struggled with alcoholism and depression. I was the more a middle of the road personality. I graduated with a B.S. in Elementary Education as a non traditional student and a divorced single mother. Subsequently, I remarried and had another child, a daughter.
Barry's struggle began in high school with numerous attempts at suicide and DWIs. At the time we didn't realize he was depressed and self medicating with alcohol. After he graduated he left to go to college in the Kansas City area. He joined a fraternity and got a job as a bartender. He was funny and won numerous "ugly" bartender contests. He was know as "Bear" due to his excess hair, another similarity to Robin Williams.
Barry married and had a daughter. The marriage didn't last and he struggled to see his daughter because it was a 12 hour round trip to visit.
When he returned to Southeast Missouri he couldn't find work in his chosen field so he worked menial labor jobs just to survive. Depressed because he felt he was a failure as a husband, father, son and professional he took his life on Christmas Eve 1996.
The signs were there. Yet, we ignored or dismissed them for years. Barry was the life of the party but that merely hid the dark turmoil that encompassed his psyche. As a matter of fact he was almost manic when visiting with family on Thanksgiving just a few months before. He was in the best mood anyone had seen him in in years. Which I now understand foreshadowed his decision to end his life. He had come to terms with how and when he would end his pain.
My parents owned a cabin in a remote area in Southeast Missouri and this was the location Barry chose. He apparently purchased beer and cigarettes at a nearby market and sat at the cabin drinking and reflecting. He had access to guns but he chose to hang himself. He wrote a rambling note which made very little sense but it did make clear his intentions were to free himself of the burdens he bore.
My father arrived on the scene first and removed the ligature from my brother's neck and laid him on the floor. He awaited the arrival of the rest of the family and the authorities alone. I do not know what he did during that time or how he was able to bear the grief of seeing his youngest child growing cold and stiff.
From this point forward the whole scene became the stuff of nightmares. I will continue next time.