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With the Pope resigning and scandals festering, the Catholic Church is in crisis!

Hurry!  To the Conclave!

In their ancient meeting chamber, red-robed Cardinals from across the globe must battle corruption and disgrace and find a new face!

The Dean of the Cardinals, Angelo "The Clam" Sodano excels at the dark art of the pedophile cover-up-- and has swept some of the evilest abusers under Vatican vestments.

While Cardinal Mahony, "The Shuffler," arrived at the conclave fresh off a deposition delving into his past crimes of hiding child rapists in various states and countries.

Maybe German Cardinal Ratzinger is the one, and people won't notice he helped keep crimes hidden too!  Oops! He's already been pope--

And is off to live in a freshly-remodeled, forty-three-hundred square foot cloistered nunnery, with tastefully-appointed immunity.

Out with the nuns, in with the former-Pope!

Maybe it'll be a bold, brash American Pope, like Cardinal Tim Dolan!  Who paid predators twenty-thousand dollars to make them go away.

Whoever said the money-changers can't work for you?

But surely this character isn't fit to be Pope!  He blabs all about corruption, is a liberal when it comes to women in the Church, and he's never said anything about priests being celibate!

It's a new day for a new leader . . . to be chosen by the old leaders from the old days . . .

So, hurry!  To the Conclave!

Originally posted to Comics on Fri Feb 22, 2013 at 06:50 AM PST.

Also republished by Daily Kos.

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Comment Preferences

  •  Howzabout Pope Alice? (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    LynChi, glitterscale, PSzymeczek

    Slow thinkers - keep right

    by Dave the Wave on Fri Feb 22, 2013 at 07:01:39 AM PST

  •  I suggest a Bingo-A-Thon (4+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    jds1978, blue aardvark, dewtx, PSzymeczek

    Last Cardinal standing gets to be Pope.  It's only fair.

    Someone once asked me why do you always insist on taking the hard road? and I replied why do you assume I see two roads?

    by funluvn1 on Fri Feb 22, 2013 at 07:06:21 AM PST

  •  I think it is way past time for them to (5+ / 0-)

    1) Have married priests
    2) Have women priests (and Cardinals and Popes etc.)
    3) Open up the records and libraries and such and allow all people to enjoy the "collections" of art.

    American Television is a vast sea of stupid. -xxdr zombiexx

    by glitterscale on Fri Feb 22, 2013 at 07:09:43 AM PST

  •  Benny Ratz ... tough act to follow n/t (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
  •  I like it (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    is this available on youtube? How do I place this on facebook?

  •  remember (5+ / 0-)

    Anyone here remember "The Shoes pf the Fisherman?"  Time to go outside the box, pick a decent person who cleans up the Vatican.  Won't happen-- aristocrats don't vote in people who will "out" them.

    Apres Bush, le deluge.

    by melvynny on Fri Feb 22, 2013 at 07:17:06 AM PST

  •  Word is out that Tim Tebow is available. (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    melvynny, Faito

    As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. John F. Kennedy

    by JaxDem on Fri Feb 22, 2013 at 07:17:11 AM PST

  •  Breaking!!! (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    blue aardvark

    After his ten year long, not so secretary, quest the mitt romney has an odds on chance to be under the white smoke rising and winning the 'pope election'!!

    Stay tuned!!

    “We are dealing with veterans, not procedures—with their problems, not ours.” —Gen Omar Bradley, First Administrator of the VA

    by jimstaro on Fri Feb 22, 2013 at 07:22:57 AM PST

  •  Ah, nothing like a little anti-Catholic humor to (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Not A Bot

    start off the weekend.  

    Jesse Jackson Junior must be breathing a sigh of relief that the Pope resigned. Imagine the cartoon that could have been made with this to work with:

    Court papers released by federal prosecutors on Wednesday provided new details about how Mr. Jackson and his wife used the $750,000 in campaign money to finance their lavish lifestyle.  From 2007 to 2011, Mr. Jackson bought $10,977.74 worth of televisions, DVD players and DVDs at Best Buy, according to the documents. In 2008, Mr. Jackson used the money for things like a $466.30 dinner at CityZen in the Mandarin Oriental in Washington and a $5,587.75 vacation at the Martha’s Vineyard Holistic Retreat, the document said.  On at least two instances, Mr. Jackson and his wife used campaign money at Build-A-Bear Workshop, a store where patrons can create stuffed animals. From December 2007 through December 2008, the Jacksons spent $313.89 on “stuffed animals and accessories for stuffed animals” from Build-A-Bear, according to the documents.

    One of the more exotic items they bought was an elk head from a taxidermist in Montana. According to the documents, Mr. Jackson arranged in March 2011 to have $7,000 paid to the taxidermist, with much of the money coming from a campaign account, and it was shipped a month later to Mr. Jackson’s Congressional office.  A year later, Mr. Jackson’s wife, knowing that the elk head had been bought with campaign money, had it moved from Washington to Chicago, and she asked a Congressional staff member to sell it, the documents say.  In August 2012, the staff member sold the elk head for $5,300 to an interior designer and had the money wired to one of Mr. Jackson’s accounts. What the staff member did not know was that the interior designer was actually an undercover F.B.I. employee who was investigating the Jacksons, the documents say.

    Documents released on Friday showed how Mr. Jackson used his campaign money to buy items like fur capes, celebrity memorabilia and expensive furniture.  Among those items were a $5,000 football signed by American presidents and two hats that once belonged to Michael Jackson, including a $4,600 fedora.

    Maybe next episode.

    Many hands make light work, but light hearts make heavy work the lightest of all.

    by SpamNunn on Fri Feb 22, 2013 at 07:33:47 AM PST

    •  Build a Bear is a particularly embarrassing ... (0+ / 0-)

      ... misuse of campaign funds, but then again, maybe Jackson Jr. needed the Teddy for medical reasons, or maybe his wife needed a furry surrogate while hubby was in therapy.  There is some sort of Freudian spaghetti mixed in there, what with the Teddy bear, the Montana elk, wildlife preservation and Teddy Roosevelt, who was one of the earliest Civil Rights presidents.  

      The wisdom of my forebears ... Two wise people will never agree. Man begins in dust and ends in dust — meanwhile it's good to drink some vodka. A man studies until he's seventy and dies a fool. Some of my best friends are Catholics, really.

      by Not A Bot on Fri Feb 22, 2013 at 09:04:31 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

    •  I'd point out that this is more anti-pope humor (0+ / 0-)

      than anti-Catholic. I always found it strange to hear people say that talking about the pedophilia problem was anti-Catholic. Getting scumbags out of the church and reforming it to not attract them in the future is the most pro-Catholic thing the church could do. But, it's precisely opposite of what the leadership is doing.

      Just doing my part to piss off right wing nuts, one smart ass comment at a time.

      by tekno2600 on Fri Feb 22, 2013 at 01:13:16 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  Nuff 'a them already... (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    The pontifus maximus, aka lead priest of the temples of the Roman empire... hasn't been good for the world since the time of Julius Ceasar...

    They've changed the symbol above the door (but not the outfits, rituals, or decorations), but they're still trying to cater to the likes of Caligula...

  •  ode to the cardinals (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Faito, tekno2600

    Men in skirts go to Rome
    traveling far from home,
    large rings abound
    red skirts they swish
    and OH
    how they all do wish
    their name will rise
    to grab the prize

    white smoke streams  
    up once again
    to crush the dreams
    and we all grin

    no its too late

  •  How about picking a Pope (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    OldDragon, PSzymeczek

    who has never attempted to provide cover for child-molesting priests.  (Of course this would narrow the field considerably.)

    How about picking a Pope who has the courage to speak out against US drone attacks or carpet bombing of civilians?  

    How about picking a Pope who will see and say that it is immoral to continue to prohibit birth control in places where babies are starving...and then do something about the RCC's horrible policy.

    How about picking a Pope who will allow priests to marry, and women to become priests?

  •  How about a popette? (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    How about one of those nuns that took that wonderful bus tour last year, churning excitement for the election and raising consciousness for social issues?

    I know the nuns wouldn't be interested in the fabulous Vatican Palace and its gold toilets, they probably sell the joint or set up an orphanage.

    Seriously though, I wonder what will come first married priests or female priests?  I'm thinking marriage will come first, it's all about a male dominated hierarchy.

  •  white beannie in the back (0+ / 0-)

    is that magoo? not sayin nutin now, just askin, just askin. billy

  •  "To the Conclave!" Good one! They could also shine (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    a light with a giant "P" up into the sky...and hope people know it stands for "Pope," not "Pedophile."

    Just doing my part to piss off right wing nuts, one smart ass comment at a time.

    by tekno2600 on Fri Feb 22, 2013 at 01:02:18 PM PST

  •  Is there an Ex-Con-clave where all the pedophiles (0+ / 0-)

    get to vote when they get out of jail? Then again, very few priests ever went to jail.

    Just doing my part to piss off right wing nuts, one smart ass comment at a time.

    by tekno2600 on Fri Feb 22, 2013 at 01:49:02 PM PST

  •  Pope Jesus I. (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    NO, not Jesus of Nazareth as Pope.

    But a Latin American selection!

    Ugh. --UB.

    "Daddy, every time a bell rings, a Libertaria­n picks up his Pan Am tickets for the Libertaria­n Paradise of East Somalia!"

    by unclebucky on Fri Feb 22, 2013 at 02:21:26 PM PST

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