Does this list sound familiar?
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Yep, those are the stages of grief defined as by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.
Actually, I think those relate to impending grief -- hence the bargaining. Regardless. I find I'm pretty familiar with most of that.
In looking for that list, I recently encountered this list:
Numbness
Disorganization
Reorganization
(You may want to read the article. It's something to think about).
I think the missing element from both of these lists is the actual pain. The cut-through-your-soul, take-your-breath-away, leave-you-in-a-pile-on-the-floor, agony. That's missing. I wonder why?
I think maybe it's because there are no words. These lists? They refer to the spaces between. Maybe the goal is as simple as making those spaces last longer. Anyway, I think the spaces between are the only things that can be "processed" and "managed". The pain just is. It has it's own life.
In any case, I think the second list is a more accurate reflection of my own "process" -- factoring in the pain, of course. It's the spaces between that I'm trying to deal with now.
"Disorganization" is a nice word for the place I've been these last couple of years. I say this from my position at the doorway of "Reorganization".
And Lordy, do I have some things to reorganize. How have I let my life become such a shambles? Okay, maybe that's a little melodramatic, but it's true that I have been out of step with own life.
Disorganization? Please, that's too kind. Downright flaky. Everything from bill paying, to yard work to housework to visits to the dentist. All handled catch-as-catch-can as my mama used to say (oh Mama, I miss you so much), if at all. But television shows? I'm current on those. I've been busy checking the fall schedule. DVR geared up and looking for those new shows that haven't even premiered yet.
Is that not ridiculous? I've been making bad choices right and left. And the procrastination? Y'all have no idea.
Who is this person? Would my mom, my dad or my brother even recognize me? I don't recognize myself, sometimes. But something has been happening to me lately, and I think all of you and this place -- this safe place -- have had something to do with it. I love my siblings, and we are close. And we've done some serious, and not so serious talking. But there is something about this place -- The Grieving Room -- that's ... so very safe. Somehow, through the process of contributing here, and listening to each of you, I've managed to reach the door to "Reorganization".
It's been along time coming, and I am deeply in your debt.
I'm taking a deep breath, grabbing my hat and stepping through.