I find it hard these days to find much to laugh about, don’t you? The “Ain’t It Awful” stories just seem to pop up without end. Nevertheless, we need to laugh so any effort to lighten things up is worth something.
I decided to re-write some old jokes with guys in MAGA hats as butts. That makes sense, no? I invite anyone to play along by adding a story of their own, just put a MAGA hat on the asshat.
Here is the first of three:
A Bernie supporter gets on a plane and takes his seat next to a window and dozes off. A guy in a MAGA hat boards later and sits in the seat next to him. The MAGA hat guy rouses the Bernie supporter and says, “Hey,you wanna play some cards or something to pass the time? It's a four-hour flight to LA.”
The Bernie guy shakes his head no and tries to go back to sleep.
The MAGA hat guy persists. “How about a quiz game? You ask me a question. If I can't answer, I give you ten bucks. If you can't answer my question, you give me ten. What do you say?”
The Bernie guy waves him off and shuts his eyes.
The MAGA hat guy says, “Okay, if you can't answer, you give me five bucks. If I can't answer, I give you ten.”
The Bernie guy perks up. “All right, I'm in. Shall we flip to see who goes first?”
MAGA hat guy says, “Nah, go ahead. I brought it up. What's your question?”
Bernie guy, “What animal goes up the hill on four legs, but comes down the hill on three?”
MAGA, “Jeez, that's strange. I'm gonna have to look this up.” He pulls out his laptop and plugs it into the console. Bernie guy looks at him. MAGA says, “Nobody said you couldn't use an aid.”
MAGA searches and searches. Nothing. Finally he pulls out a ten-dollar bill and gives it to the Bernie guy.
Bernie guy closes his eyes to go back to sleep.
MAGA hat guy gets pissed. “Hey, you can't do that. I gotta know. What animal does go up the hill on four legs and come down on three?
Bernie guy pulls out a fiver and gives it to MAGA.
Okay, second joke:
Three Hoosiers are touring some Pacific islands when their plane crashes deep in the jungle of an unknown land. The three survive but are immediately surrounded by primitive islanders who do not permit intruders into their territory.
The three are captured and sent to the chief who promptly condemns them to the guillotine, an artifact of French explorers two centuries earlier. They appeal for mercy, but their appeals fall on deaf ears.
The first says, “I am a graduate of Notre Dame University, and I am a Roman Catholic priest. I offer your people salvation and an orderly religion practiced by millions the world over. Your people will have eternal life.”
The chief is unmoved.
The second says, “I am a graduate of Indiana University, and I am a medical doctor. I offer your people healing from sickness and injury. Your people will have longer life here on earth.”
The chief thinks about it but doesn't relent.
The third tips his MAGA hat to the chief and says, “Well, chief, I am a graduate of Purdue University, and I am an industrial engineer. I will build you a beautiful wall to keep out all the furriners who come here to take your jobs. They're rapists and I don't know what all. You just let me take care of everthing and you won't have to worry about nothin'.”
The chief pauses a moment but sends all three to the guillotine.
The priest goes first. The tribe gathers around and chants the countdown. The executioner pull the rope, but the blade stops just short of the priest's neck.
The chief says it's a miracle. “Your god has saved you. You may go free.”
The doctor is next. The tribe counts down and the executioner pulls the rope. Again, the blade stops just short of the doctor's neck.
“You indeed have magic powers for long life. You may go free,” says the chief and motions for the engineer to take his place.
The guy in the MAGA hat says he wants to lie down face up toward the blade to show everyone how manly he is.
The countdown reaches three, and the MAGA hat guy yells, “Stop, hold it, wait.”
The executioner stops. The MAGA hat guy points to a crimp in the rope and says, “Now right tere is yer problem. What the hell. You primitive morons couldn't even see that. What kind of a shithole place have you got here...”
The executioner uncrimps the rope and goes back to work.
And finally, my favorite MAGA joke:
A New Yorker driving across the country stops at a motel in Kansas and goes to a tavern to have a drink before turning in. A guy in a MAGA hat crawls onto a bar stool next to him. “You see this bar here. I made this masterpiece with my bare hands. Finest wood, carefully crafted. See the intricate designs. Everybody here knows I built it, but do they call me ‘Brett, The Bar Builder’? Hell no.”
“Hmmph” the New Yorker says unimpressed.
The guy in the MAGA hat goes on. “You see that sign out front there. It probably caught your eye, and it’s why you came in here. Well, I made that thing with my bare hands. Finest lettering, raised designs on the corners. Everybody here knows I built it, but do they call me ‘Brett, The Sign Maker’? Hell no.”
“Hmmph” the New Yorker says, still unimpressed.
The MAGA hat goes on. “But you fuck ONE GODDAMN GOAT….”
So, if you have a good one (or a bad one) to add, please do so in the comments below.
