GUS (Gave Up Smoking) is a community support series for Kossacks in the midst of quitting smoking. Any supportive comments, suggestions or positive distractions are appreciated. We avoid discussion of political issues. If you are quitting or even thinking about quitting, please -- join us! You can add GUS to your stream by clicking on the ♥ next to the GUS tag. The GUS Library at dKosopedia is organically evolving, and stocked with free-range information: quit-smoking links, helpful GUS writing tips, and the GUS buddy list.
"A message to all quitters: you don't have to avoid GUS if your latest attempt to quit didn't work out. We won't give you a bad time and we consider the attempted quits as practice for the real quit." (h/t FG)
Let's start with the irrational first.
I am not a mind reader. I don't know what others are thinking. And therefore I can't make rational and informed decisions based on things I don't know. I can only report on what my senses, and mind's perception and interpretation of those senses, tell me. And even then, I can be wrong. My senses and mind can be fooled.
I still struggle with self image / respect / esteem issues. So although I've made assurances to friends and family that I've been doing ok, I still have difficulty viewing myself and any contributions I make here (or in general) positively. I don't have any reason to believe that people here (or in general) aren't sincere. Quite the contrary. I've received nothing but kindness and support from everyone I've interacted with in this community (and in general for the most part) It's a pretty overwhelming reality. And yet, those old thought patterns creep in.
The last thing I want is for this community series to seem like the anod bike log. What this group of people (and me) have accomplished is pretty cool. I'd like to believe there are people with great stories just waiting for a chance to tell them and I don't want to stymie or stifle anyone who's thinking of quitting smoking. That's what this community series is about. It's how I came to be a regular. I know the biking I do is a great positive distraction and, for me anyway, writing about it is too. But sometimes even I get sick of hearing about where I rode, when, road conditions or how many miles I achieved or wish to achieve.
I've been tempted recently. To crash my recovery and binge on any number of substances I could get my hands on. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to but I wanted and needed to say that out loud and to others beside myself. I hope you don't mind me sharing. I know part of those irrational thoughts stem from another summer with me having to avoid summer cook outs and bbq's. There's still way too much attachment involved. I threw my Weber away almost two years ago because I had to. Maybe someday. But not this year. And I know it's pathetic for me to whine and pine, but the rational part of me knows that no beer is worth the small measure of peace of mind I've attained.
There's an awful lot of alone time out on the road. No doubt about that. I don't know if I could have withstood my own presence in the past. It gives me a lot of time to think. This past weekend was Father's Day and this is the second one without my dad. The shadow of his life still looms large. Lois, my daughter, turned 21 this past weekend too. Even though she's been in Texas for almost a year and my wife moved out two years ago I have a strange new scary sense of freedom. My life's for my own to live my own way. It really always has been.
I tried something new last Friday and it was rewarding.
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